By Brad Torch

It’s that holiday time of the year again. Thanksgiving is upon us and Christmas is right around the corner. You’ll have to forgive me for being cynical, but the holidays are just not as fun as they were when I was younger, as I assume is the same for most adults. I mean, of course there are the simple joys I get out of the season, like the delicious food I will feed my face with, and the excitement my kids have on Christmas morning. Those feelings are irreplaceable at any other time of year. On the other hand, being an adult means standing in seemingly endless lines for gifts, travel plans, extra traffic, spending my next three paychecks before I’ve even earned them, and of course, cooking and cleaning. All of these things make me look forward to the new year immensely.

That said, nothing can be more frightening during the holidays than dealing with family. You know what I’m talking about. Sometimes it’s the family you see once a year, and sometimes it’s the family you see every week. The family members that judge you because you’re 30, not married and haven’t “given them" grandchildren. The family members who remind you that you owe them $50.00 from ten years ago. The uncle that gets shitfaced on Glenlivet and starts a fight with everyone at the table. The grandfather who can’t stop using the “N" word. The list goes on and on. Yes, no matter how perfect they are you have to deal with these people who you call your family, because let’s face it, you love them……..and you don’t want to be the person who “ruined” the holiday by being absent from the family get together. So you mentally prepare yourself, put your happiest little game face on, and gear up for the train wreck that you know is going to happen.

I know many of you can relate, so I’ve taken some time and devised some tips you can use to get through the holidays with the least possible pain inflicted. I can’t guarantee these will be 100% effective, but really, what do you have to lose?

Adjust your attitude – You already know what you are getting into, so you just have to make the best of the situation. You are clearly not meeting the expectations of someone in your family, but what’s new? Remember that you are doing the best you can with YOUR life, and everyone else can suck it! Just make sure you tell them nicely, that they don’t pay your bills, unless of course they do, then you’ll have to come up with something else. Don’t take no shit from anyone………but do it in a loving friendly manner.
Don’t discuss politics – This one is always a challenge for me, because I love politics, in fact it took my all not to write this piece on politics. Look, the simple fact is that you probably have had this discussion before, and that is why you are trying again. Trust me here, no matter how much you discuss your point of view, you aren’t going to change anybody’s mind. I know this because I’ve tried. Also, no matter how intelligent you are, in a political discussion, you’re just never going to be right. If someone approaches you with politics, immediately and politely change the subject, agree to disagree, and move on…..especially if alcohol is involved. It just isn’t worth the lasting damage to your relationships.
No matter how dry the turkey is, no matter how bland the mashed potatoes are, and no matter how hard the rolls are, Don’t criticize the food. Nothing will upset your aunt more than telling her how she made something wrong. You might as well just put a sign on your back that says “I’m an asshole". If your trying to have a happy family dinner, this just isn’t the way to go.
Try your hardest to Be on time. I’ve never had this issue, but my poor sister is perpetually late, and frankly, I could care less……more food for me! That said, she has never lived it down and now it is just expected. Every year like clockwork, someone makes a smartass comment about her tardiness. It really just makes the whole thing uncomfortable. It’s avoidable, just be on time.
Don’t drink too much- I know, I know, for many of us, that is the only way to make it through these things without losing our minds. Look at it this way, there is a pretty good chance you are going to come to blows with someone else who is partaking in the liquor binge. The last thing you want is the cops showing up to the house with their guns drawn, all because you and uncle Bob couldn’t hold your liquor. Also, you don’t want to stay there any longer than you have to, and having to sober up before you can drive is just not beneficial to the cause.
Drink too much- Yes, it’s a little contradictory, but sometimes it really is the ONLY way to make it out with your sanity. If you are going to take this route, make sure you stay as far away as possible from the unhappy drunks, you should know who they are. Be sure to have a designated driver or another safe plan to get home. There is not much worse than being drunk, angry, and unable to remove yourself from the situation.
Lastly, if you’re the family member who just can’t resist the opportunity for a guilt trip or to judge another family member, recognize that you are a big part of the problem and maybe make an appointment with a therapist to help you work through your issues. I understand, it might be “your house", but recognize that you are causing someone undue trauma…….and possibly encouraging alcoholism.

I hope these tips, if nothing else, gave you a few laughs going into the holiday season. Maybe they gave you some ideas on how you can handle the horror of family gatherings. For me, it was certainly nice to write about something that wasn’t polarizing like politics. Even I need an occasional break. Thank you to The Amarillo Pioneer for once again giving me a platform to share my thoughts. Wishing everyone a Happy and safe Thanksgiving!